sleeping synapses awaken!

oh hello. i must have fallen asleep at the wheel and zoomed ahead a few months by accident. but instead of apologizing for being the worst individual to drive traffic to a website due to her inadequacy in publishing new and interesting material – i am going to ramble instead!

2009 has been gracious. I am now over the fact that I was suffocating in my job. and have learned to embrace it and do what I can in the hours I am here and then move on with my day. do i still feel like my day is just beginning at 5 pm ? Yes. does it still eat me up inside? not so much. my secret? happiness. i am so thrilled with my life that i swim around in, that I just get wrapped up in enjoying myself. the rest is just a means. does it help that i have identified a future career change? HELL YES! And does it help that the weather is beautiful out and I can start running outside again? YES.

you see – sitting idly by whining and bitching to anyone who would listen about how i was unhappy just was not working. so i decided to do something about it. that is what is so sad with the work environment today – so few people have the option or flexibility to change the path they are on. I guess I feel lucky that i was on the verge of insanity and made the decision when i did. Because now I am committed and we will do what it takes to make it happen.

So i have begun my journey back into school to gain knowledge in an entirely different field and my brain is alive once again! My synapses are firing in spaces where they were dormant and the fire has returned. If only this fire can help me post my thoughts more often…

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder?

My absence lends itself to feeling myself falling apart. When one thread starts to unravel it seems the entire composition just disintegrates. Today the only thing keeping me together is the prospect of sharing the stage and sharing with an audience on Friday. But what happens after the lights go dim and the Sunday sun sets? Maybe I can float away and awake as a bright eyed and bushy tailed toddler with no concern but to explore. But was I destined even then to the eternal questioning of who I was to be on any given day? The questions swell inside of me threatening to explode in some overly dramatic scene- so I suppress. I suppress who I am and what I want to say- in fear. In fear that at the release of my words and feelings the straw falls on the back of a being unable to support the whole of me. They say you can control it, that you own your chances for intimacy and closeness. But I control nothing. The only thing I can control is doing what I am good at. I can only try to pour myself into what I can handle. The plate that sits in front of me is piled too high and I do not know where to start. There are always words of a listening ear no matter what but when it comes time to help carry me when I am stumbling – I hear only selfish words on my deaf ears.

I finally lost myself in the characters I created in my head. I swim for the next door that will take me back to the bookmark of my story, all the while keeping my head above the water. Today I promise myself to keep my head above water. With nothing to keep me afloat, I will kick and fight and tread until sleep takes over.

Perhaps I should be less absent, the fond heart of depression is just not for me.

Savor The Moments

There is a quote by Sammy Davis Jr. and it is fabulous: “Savor the moments that are warm and special and giggly”. I have this quote posted in my cubicle so I can look at it and teleport back to several memories at a time. I first take this moment of “warmth”. I grew up in Missouri and there were always a surplus of fields and forests on which to we could go on hayrides. This was back before global warming so there was always a nice crisp autumn air, that over time could chill you to the bone. But this chill would completely disappear when you gathered in a huddle with your closest friends or family. Shoulder to shoulder or piled in a clump – we were able to feed off each other’s body heat. There was a certain comfort in being close together and sharing energy with one another. It was a feeling of acceptance and innocence all wrapped into one autumn evening.

Special. Feeling special is that moment when a birthday cake is brought out, candles lit, presents surrounding you, and those you love sing in your honor. For my family, it’s birthday morning when I wake up to them singing “Las Mananitas” with some form of breakfast. At that moment I am important in someone’s life. At that moment is when I feel the love and understand that I am about to have the most awesome day ever.

Giggly almost always involves my girlfriends. Each of us has our own unique sense of humour that almost always comes out in a barrage of laughter. To savor those moments is to laugh whole heartedly with no heed to anyone around us. The result is a gravitation of people towards us as they want to get in on the joke or perhaps just to share in the joy that we find in almost anything. We are always open to spread the laughter and I can always look back on stomach pains and swollen cheeks from becoming frozen in pure glee.

These are the moments I savor and these are the moments I seek to create. thank you mr. Davis Jr.

40 calorie toast

bland. that is the best word for my day. today has been like that 40 calorie piece of bread that no matter how much jam you spread all over it – still is utterly bland. despite all of my attempts to pep up my day I could not fool myself. even the excitement of buying my bridal shoes just seemed like another chore. sadly the highlight of my day was the glass of chocolate milk i just attacked. there was also the slight thrill of being able to exchange a pair of shoes I wore for store credit. but that faded when an aching pain built inside of my heel from wearing my crappy flip slops around all evening. just bland. tasteless and filled with things that just had to get done.

how can we make everyday filled with spice? Is it even possible to make everyday have that “vacation” vibe? there has to be a way to make everyday less of a nutshell. look- this is me in a nutshell…maybe it’s a spiced nut. at least I will have flavor.

So how do we do it? How do we make ourselves have taste in our lives when the opportunity to express ourselves is so often catipulted to hell? I think what I miss most about my collegiate years is the constant freedom to say anything. Where is the freedom to say anything and find opposing opinions expressed in a way that was never alienating – but drew you deeper into a conversation that continously evolved. Did anyone get to keep those urges growing? Or are we doomed to 1 lunch hour (maybe an afternoon break if we are lucky) to share and bat ideas around? And when I come home – why doesn’t the bland shake off of me? Why does tasteless bread always stick to the sides of my stomach and refuse to digest?

Taking the Plunge – however stinky it may be…

I am getting married. Holy shit. Next year by this time I will be married for let’s see – almost 3 months. The awesome thing is that I already know his poop stinks and he burps like a warthog. But one thing that has started to form that was completely unexpected is this crazy bond between us. I mean it is like a glue that can’t even be steamed loose. I think it’s starting to really sink in that this is the guy who is going to get me through the “better or worse”. And I feel like I hit the jackpot. I try not to make it too obvious – you know the try and keep the mystery – but it’s impossible. I am starting to be that girl who gushes. Ugh. Gushing. I can’t help it. I do not know what has come over me but I am just feeling so lucky

I think this revelation might have something to do with the plethora of life events that are happening around us. I mean people are spittin’ out babies left and right & getting hitched out the wazoo. These are people we grew up with and have known in our awkward years. Their lives are completely changing, and I think I am starting to feel the shift too.

I asked Evan if he felt it yet, his reply – I think when you are walking down that aisle it will become the most real. And I am totally cool with that. I mean if we had two people just flipping out in crush mode we would never leave the house. But now that I think of it – it’s me who really needed this heart opener. I think he’s always been there and just has this solid confidence in the pair of us. Lately my confidence and assurance in us as a couple has skyrocketed. I am in love with the father of my children. WHOA. Backspace backspace backspace…not ready for that yet. I am in love with my future husband. There we go.

This doesn’t mean it doesn’t irritate me when I walk into the bathroom and it smells like manure. It just means that I will put the air freshener in his sight line from now on. Help him out a bit. Helping him help me. Because he is my partner and after all is said and done and we grow old together – we will be all each other has.

Rocky Horror Happiness

A co-worker asked us today, “if you could do whatever you wanted and money wasn’t an option – what would it be that you do Monday through Friday?” And then the passions started being puking everywhere. One guy said – be anywhere near a tennis court, even sweep the floors if possible. Another person commented that they would help impoverished or less fortunate kids somewhere. The answers varied across the board but my immediate instinct to any question like this is always the same: Be on Stage. Somehow. Someway. Get under those shiny lights that cut right through me, warm my face, and embrace my whole spirit. There is no question or doubt that I was born to be there. I would go to LA, NY, wherever and just audition until my face turned blue. Anywhere, everywhere. If I had to go back to school – so be it. Whatever I had to do – I would – if there wasn’t that thing called reality.

It’s amazing how many people put aside their passions for things that keep their head above water. It was this same co-worker who provided me with a treat of an insight. Some people are like seaweed on the shore and we have to let the tide take us to our final destination. I guess I just brush off the sand and ride the wave then right? But there are some things I can do meanwhile in order to prevent myself from remaining stale. Like take tonight for instance. I am auditioning for the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Yes yes, I know – it fits me perfectly. What with my random outbursts of restlessness, I almost fit right into a clan of mad followers of a certain Dr. FrankenFurter. But the point I am trying to convey is that is something I can do for myself. Something I can do to nurture my passion. I will follow the waters of fate, but at some point this little piece of seaweed has to grow some courage and leach onto the leg of a passing wader in order to land further from the drabness. I have now taken this analogy much too far so I am now going to stop and visualize a perfectly satisfying audition.

PhotoHunt: Dark

This is a photo from a tequileria near Puerto Vallarta, MX. The smell here was intensely awful but I loved the dark shading in the photo with the doorway of sunshine in the back. This is part of the work that goes into making tequila. The pile of agave in the back is the leftover of the plant they use to ferment and make our tasty tequila.

Check out more “Dark” themed photos at PhotoHunt.

 

Bonding over Beef

I apologize for my absence but I was super busy turning 25. Huge success and I think I can say with utmost sincerity that it was my best birthday celebration ever. I even came into work to find birthday brownies on my desk. I love being 25.

This weekend was made even more special because my brother came in from Missouri to spend some time with me. I love my brother. I have decided that he is a male clone of myself. Actually, he is older so I guess that means I am a female clone of him. It’s quite freakish. Like when we were looking for movies in my cabinet and we both point to the same one – at the same time. Or when we both are in a crowd and laugh at the same random thing that no one else sees. Okay maybe just a coincidence but I swear I have gadzillions of these examples.

But one thing I know for sure is I love to cook with big brother Beto. I decided this as we made our first meal together on Saturday. Evan of course was providing moral support on the couch and telling us when to come check out cool Olympics plays. While he kept us posted, we scurried around the kitchen with limited casualty. When someone is just like you, it can make for an amazing meal. We were weaving in and out of each other’s path like a thoughtful pattern, only it was pure instinct. There was only one minor incident with the garlic press. Let’s just say he tends to break things – so I had to take over the chopping.

As fun as it was, whenever he leaves for home I get quite sad. Being far from home is really hard. I know MANY people do it – and some are countries away – but it never gets easier. But when we get together again we can enter the kitchen and pick up right where we left off. Amidst the aromas of the ingredients and the stew marinating just right, our history comes to life and it’s as if he never left. But until that time I will keep my kitchen busy making food for my companion over on the couch. Maybe next time Beto can teach him a thing or two…

GI Joe as Dear Abby…

Relationships are hard work. People always say that, but I am finally getting just how hard they are. To fully understand someone is impossible and I would challenge anyone who reads this to say otherwise. I think the best we can hope for is to try and meet somewhere in the middle of the line for full comprehension. It is even worse when you are as stubborn as I am, used to your opinion repeated in your head. So accustomed to really being convinced that you are right about just about everything. My relationship with evan has forced me to strip that layer slowly and I am starting to feel quite naked. The irony? The more naked I am – the more I think everyone around me is crazy. (could be the hypothermia)

It is scary. This realization that you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone who pretty much disagrees with you in many debates. It makes it interesting – but also very challenging. Evan and I are so different and it will prove to be the most successful and awesome relationship – if only we can get past this whole communication of our differences thing. Love is a crazy thing and sometimes this sadistic thing called love makes me think it is so NOT divine.

But then a beautiful thing happened. We move past the rage of “oh my god I can’t believe you don’t think the way I do”, and actually presented our thoughts (evan) and feelings (me) constructively. If there was a button I could press on my emotions that made me communicate this way DURING the initial debate – that would be nice. But I guess that is what growth is.

We have lived together 2 years now and it does get easier – but learning communication is slow. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have such a strong personality in order to make it more simple. But I quickly deter from that. If I wasn’t spicy, then I wouldn’t be me and it would be boring. It’s a paradox. The same fire that makes me insanely awesome to be around is what causes rifts in so many relationships with people in my life. The great thing is realizing that because “knowing is half the battle”…

PhotoHunt: Clouds

Crater Lake. One of the most beautiful places in the United States. On a beautiful day the clouds approached the water filled caldera as if waiting for the opening act at an outdoor concert. I stood mesmerized by this landscape for many long minutes. then i ate a hot dog at the stand nearby. Anyone been to Crater Lake? If not – GO and play PhotoHunt with us!